One day I was walking through the middle of town in the middle of the day. I was walking there, and then, because I had lost my job, because the place I had worked for had changed into something that it didn't used to be, and so my job did not exist any more.

“Oh dear.” I said, to myself.

I was trying to think of what to do, but I was too worried to think. Certainly it seemed I was too worried to think about the act of walking very much, for before I knew it my foot had come down on something that went 'crunch'. I looked underneath my foot.

It was an old umbrella. It was now, if it had not been before, an old, broken umbrella.

“Oh dear.” I said. Again.

Looking up I saw, for the first time, that there was a person stood beside me. He had a very pointed moustache, a red nose, and was staring at the umbrella underneath my foot. I could not tell if his expression was angry or excited, but clearly he had been the owner of the object.

For all it was an old umbrella I felt very sorry for my mistake.

He seemed to be so shocked that he could not say anything, but continued to stare at me with wild blue eyes that were a little too large to be comfortably fitted in his head. I picked up the umbrella and brushed it off as best I could, and handed it back to him apologetically.

“I'm very sorry, sir, it was an acci-”

“Ohh! Oh! How dare you! How dare you!” The fellow screeched and hopped about, suddenly very animated. For all he yelled and scowled he almost seemed elated, and the corners of his mouth weren't quite pointed down, but rather sideways and a little bit up.

“You have done a terrible thing! You have crossed a great and terrible man! Do you know? Hm? HM? Do you know what I am?”

“Upset?” I ventured, bleakly.

“No! Well, yes, I am that, but I am, besides that, a wizard!” The person with the pointed whiskers declared this proudly, and swelled their chest triumphantly.

“Oh!” I said.

“Yes!” He said.

We nodded at each other solemnly, and I said a silent “ah.” But then-

“... are you really?” I asked. Out loud.

“YES!”

And I really did believe him.

“Well...” I said, “I'm sure that's very wonderful, and certainly impressive, but that doesn't change the fact that I didn't mean to, and I did say that I am very sorry...”

“Too late!” He cried, and then he began to chuckle and gibber while conducting a little dance which was both angry and increasingly gleeful.

“Too late! For now you have upset me, and as I am a wizard that means that I must do something terrible to you, so all the world knows what you did!”

“You must?” I asked.

“I must!” They said, importantly.

“Oh dear.” I said, a final time.

They span around twice, then said a strange word, and all of a sudden I was not

quite

usual.

I had four eyes, six limbs, and was very, very large. I had talons and tusks, and lumps and bumps, and quite a lot of other things besides. I saw all of this, because we were beside a large glass window display with mannequins in it. The mannequins said nothing, being too polite to comment.

“Oh my.” I said, in my voice.

“Hee hee!” They said, in theirs.

“... now what?” I asked. My reflection said it too, with many more teeth than I was used to seeing.

“Now?!” The wizard (for that was certainly what he was), clapped his hands together before pointing out into the street. “Now you must go, monster! Go! And be a wretched, hated thing for all your days!”

“Oh.” I said, and wandered off, feeling slightly dizzy.

I think I heard him skip away, but I didn't look to check; I was still not-thinking about what to do about my job, you see. I did wonder, briefly, why he had been carrying an umbrella when it was such a sunny day, and how it has ended up beneath my foot at all...

I quickly gave up on that, though, as getting used to myself seemed more important for the present. I had fallen over twice and would never make it back home at this rate. It was quite hard to walk, at first, for I was not at all used to having six legs, but- after referring to an insect on the wall besides me to get the idea of the general method- soon I found I got along quite well. I walked, pleased at my own walking, around a corner.

“Look, mummy!” Said a little girl, pointing up at me. “A monster!”

“So it is.” The mummy said. “But pointing is very rude. You should wave.”

So they waved. I waved back, with my ears.

A little further on I met a police officer.

“You're a big thing, aren't you?” She said, looking up at me suspiciously. “Are you part of a parade?”

“No,” I said. “It is only me.”

This seemed to please her. “Good, good. You would have needed clearance for that. Just don't hold up the traffic.”

I promised I would not, and said goodbye to her.

A lot of people had taken out their phones and taken pictures of me by this point, which felt a little odd, but it did not cause me any misery. I smiled my many teeth at a teenager clad in a spiked leather jacket. They nodded back approvingly.

“Perhaps I am a monster,” I thought to myself as I waited at the zebra crossing, “-but I do not feel as if I am a wretched thing, or hated.”

In fact, I was feeling much better than an hour ago, for I was not thinking to think about my missing job, which I had never liked to start with.
One of the people asked if I would pose for a picture with her and her friend. I did. After that happened I did that for a lot of people, and one small boy asked me if I was a real monster. I said I supposed that I must be, and this seemed to delight him enormously. His mother patted me on the leg and said my scales were very nice.

I was tired though, and thought I had better show my boyfriend, so I went home.

At first he was very much surprised, but when we had fitted me through the doorway and talked for a little while, he could see that I was quite the same as before, and besides- my scales were very nice, and what was wrong with a few extra legs, anyway?

“We will have to move to a bigger place.” He said.

“I'm sorry.” I said, for I didn't know how we'd afford something like that.

“I love you.” He said.

“I love you, too.” I said.

The next morning I went to the Science Museum.

“Hello. Welcome to the Science Museum.” Said the curator, looking up at me. I smiled and put a pound coin into the donation box with my teeth.

“What are you?” Asked the curator.

“I don't know.” I said.

“Well!” The curator said, looking me up and down; “I don't either, so that's fair- but perhaps we can find someone here who does.”

And he found professors and doctors, and students and experts, but none of them knew what I was.

They were all terribly excited about this.

“A new species!” They cried. “Hurray! Hurrah! How wonderful- and such a large one, too!”

“May we study you?” Asked one, in a long white coat. “Oh, please say yes!”

“I wouldn't mind that, only... I am having trouble getting in and out of my apartment, and that could make me late. Perhaps if you could help me find a new place to live...?” I suggested, meekly.

“A habitat study! Fieldwork! Yes, yes, what an excellent idea. I'll ask for a grant immediately.”

They all seemed very happy, and I was happy too.

After that I was given a large enclosure in the local Zoo, and told that I did not need to pay for the rent or food, as I was an exhibit. I was very pleased about this.

“Can my boyfriend come to live with me?” I asked.

“There's another one of you?!”

“No,” I said. “There's only me.”

“Ah! That's a pity, but of course he can, if he likes!”

He did. It was a short commute to his job from the Zoo, and the indoor enclosure was much larger than our flat had been before, and not viewable by the public. He moved in and we redecorated it exactly how we liked. Sometimes in the evenings the members of staff would pop in to visit and play video games with him- I couldn't, now, but I didn't mind. I had always preferred to watch, anyway.

I was studied, and visited, by all sorts of people. I had an interview with the newspaper, and met the mayor, and the local football team asked if I would be their mascot. I said that I would consider it, but that I was more into cricket myself.

After three weeks there was a knock on our door. My boyfriend went to see who it was- he came back looking puzzled.

“There's a funny little man out there with pointed whiskers who wants to see you,” he said, “but he doesn't seem very happy.”

“Ah,” I said, and went to see.

The wizard was there. He did not look happy at all.

“You! You! What mind have you, to enjoy my wonderful, dreadful curse so?”

“Curse...? Oh! You mean this?” I looked down at myself, now quite used to it all and entirely comfortable with my lovely six legs. “Well, I'm sure I don't mean to upset you again, but the truth is I don't find it very dreadful at all! Actually, I very much like it; you did me a great favour, as it turns out. Thank you ever so much! Is there anything I can do to-”

“Like it?!” The little fellow nearly tore his moustache off in a fit. “You're not meant to like it! You are meant to be miserable! And wretched! And – and-”

“But I don't want to be those things, and... you know? It doesn't strike me as very fair, it all being over an accident, such as it was-” I said, a little shocked. “And, after all, I did apologise. Shall I do it again? Oh! Or shall I buy you a new umbrella? I could afford that now, with the research grant, and I know an excellent shop on the high str-”

“NO!” He screeched, and stomped on my toe. It hurt quite a bit. He wore heels, you see.

“You will suffer!” He jumped about. “You must suffer! I will make you more hideous yet!”

“Actually-” I said, offended, “I don't think I am hideous, and even if you did I don't think that would matter much.”

“I shall make you terrifying, then! So everybody flees from you!”

“My boyfriend wouldn't... nor would the scientists, I think. They just adore monsters, you know.”

He stamped and danced, in that angry-gleeful way of his, then pointed at me with a grin; “I will take away your thinking, then! If your body doesn't matter, then I will make your brain be hideous! I will give you the mind of a hungry beast- and then you shall eat everyone up!”

“Oh no, please don't! They wouldn't like that at all, even the scientists!” I said, horrified, for that idea really did sound awful, but then... I paused, and tilted my very large head.

“I would eat people up?”

“Yes!”

“You mean like... Human people, people? You really think I could?”

“Of course!” He clapped, and hopped about. “With great big teeth like that? Why, it would be no trouble at all!”

“Yes. No trouble at all.” I said, as I felt them with my tongue.

“Hee hee! Yes, yes! It's perfect!” The sorcerer chortled, and danced a jig at his genius. “And what's it to me if it's you, or those nincompoops, who are miserable? Who cares, who cares! So long as I am known and feared! And so, they shall remember me! I! The great wizard, FIZB-”

But he did not finish the name, for I had gobbled him up.

It was no trouble at all.

“Who was that?” Asked my boyfriend, when I got back.

“The wizard.” I said.

“Oh!” He said, and moved over so that I could watch the television with him on the long, long, very long sofa. “Did you say thank you?”

“I did.” I said, tucking up my lovely six feet under my beautiful, scaly body.

“Good, good... say, what shall we have for dinner?” He asked.

“Oh, I'm sorry. I already ate...” I said, and smiled inside.

“Snacks? You'll put on weight.” He said, and kissed me on the nose.

So he ordered a pizza, and then we watched a movie.